I was always the kid with the grape juice mustache and mismatched clothes. I was not the most graceful youngster, either. I'd trip. I'd burp at odd moments. No matter what state I live in, I never seem to have the right accent.
And I have
never been fond of being the center of attention.
Kindergarten Got my new pair of roller skates in Palo Alto, California. They were on my feet, but I was too self conscious to try them out.
More and more kids gathered across the street from me, good-naturedly encouraging me to cross over. The longer I waited, the worse it got. When I finally crossed over, a bit teetery but holding my own, the entire incident had become an anti-climax. This should have calmed me, but instead it embarrassed me further.
Age 7 Got my first black eye. I did it ice-skating, which, oddly enough, was a popular pastime in early 1960's Palo Alto.
Getting the black eye was a drag, I fell flat on my face. I cried. I was there alone, and borrowed a nickel (a nickel!) to call my mom to pick me up early.
It was going to school the next day which was truly horrendous. My shiner was such a sensation that the teacher began the day with a Cilicious Show and Tell session.
Age 12 I moved to Long Island in third grade.
This was my bathing-suit-top-falls-down scene at Jones Beach. I didn't have a whole lot of chest to hold up, and my top was loose. (This was the fashion story of my frickin' life, my mom always bought stuff for us to grow into.) We were all half-in/half-out of the water, and another girl, in a stage whisper, informs me that one of my breasts is showing. With a dramatic groan I sink down into the water and try to adjust things.
I didn't realize it at the time, but
part of the problem was (and still is) that one of my shoulders is slightly higher than the other.
I am somewhat haunted by memories of newly formed hips banging into doorways, a pair of plaid, very baggy pants, and other unfortunate fashion choices.
Let us draw the curtain of charity over the rest of my adolescence.
Age 18 Moved to Denver at 14.
Got talked into a "t-shirt" contest.
Basically I got pimped out, but it was, in its way, a good cause.
I had had a couple beers, but I still never would have done this if my boyfriend and all his cronies had not enthusiastically encouraged me. It was up in the mountains at a fundraiser for a friend who had become paralyzed.
I stood up there on the makeshift stage, and of course you have to take your top off.
And then it became apparent that the jeans had to briefly dip down. I did it.
I won $75, mostly because of the partisans up front, and of course gave much of the money back to the fundraisers. There was enough left to take the boyfriend out for a steak dinner.
Age 20 Had to give a speech in sociology 101. Even with the mandatory speech, this class should have been an easy A for me. Unfortunately, during my first experience with college, I was immature, unprepared, and wasting my parents' money. My speech was disorganized, and I froze in front of my audience--I lost my way because I was so freaked out and my words made no sense to begin with. This was a self-created embarrassing moment, and I learned from it.
After that, it seems as though I was able to wend my way through life without too many desperate situations.
By the time I became (what we laughingly refer to as) an adult, I had developed enough coping skills to get by, but every now and then something still crops up.
I just tell people it's all part of my act.
At
Mle's birthday party, I walked into a room with part of my dress stuck in my underpants.
And today at the grocery store, while pushing my cart down the aisle, I turned rosy, glistening red and had my first hot flash in about 6 months. It's dawned on me that I can expect these 'heated moments' for some time to come, but at least I've figured out how to wear a bathing suit.
